Winter driving for precious little darlings

It has come to my attention that the main complaint parents have about school being in session during winter is that they or their precious little darlings may have a car accident and die on the way to school. I have a few simple suggestions that should allay these fears.

1. Ensure your child has a car that they wouldn't get caught dead in. Standard specifications include the following: Model year prior to 1990, no more than 4 cylinders (and one of those should have about 2 pounds of compression), manual transmission (clutch optional), bad spark plugs, two spark cables randomly switched on the distributor, clogged oil filter, leaky gaskets, no heater or A/C, AM radio. This will keep the car's top speed somewhere around 7mph. It will also fail to start on cold mornings, hot mornings, marginally cloudy mornings, or at any time the teen wishes to go racing off to do something with their friends. A good coating of rust and a spattering of panels from different colored vehicles of the same make (or similar make) helps other drives to be warned that the operator of the vehicle is likely someone who is wildly irresponsible, doesn't care if they damage their vehicle, and will probably swerve into their lane at any moment. Properly purchased such a car will run you about $500 at the top end. You will also cut down on insurance since this will be "their" car and they will now have to pay their liability insurance in order to be able to drive (promptly remove them from the policies for all your other vehicles for added savings).
2. Do not pay for fuel, oil (likely a weekly expense with the recommended vehicle), or tires. This has a wonderful effect on a driver's propensity to drive like a maniac. Should they complain that this is unfair promptly begin charging them an additional fee for parking privileges anywhere within 500 feet of your property line.
3. Stop paying for their cell phone plans. This will cause some drama but let them know you care and that you will provide for all of their personal communication needs. Follow up on this promise and provide them with a sheaf of notebook paper, a Bic pen, some envelopes, grandma's PO Box, and a map to the mailbox.
4. Teach your child that chains are something that go on tires and are not to be used to connect various parts of their anatomy that the good Lord never directly connected. Similarly studs are something for tires and not ears, belly buttons, tongues, and various other pieces of their anatomy.
5. Explain to them, should they not wish to drive the vehicle provided (see above), that you understand and you pay a substantial amount of your income for another delivery system that will be available every day a block or two away. This system (colloquially known as "school buses") is operated by the government and is more environmentally friendly than everyone driving their own cars. The vehicles are huge, heavy, easily spotted, and likely to take out pretty much anything that gets in their way to minimize injury to their occupants.
6. Explain to your princess that while you believe her little tiara is amazing, her manicure is to die for, and her shoes are the cutest things ever that she now lives in Idaho and we have things called "hats", "gloves", and "boots". These are important devices for your princess to haul her delicate self to school should she put her recommended vehicle in a ditch because she was still trying to text a lol to her bff on her deactivated phone. She should also learn that a "coat" is something that has enough bird feathers in it to warm a flock of geese and not a thin piece of fake fabric cut in the latest styles from some big city.

Properly done, these items together are what is known as "parenting". Your child will arrive safely at school where they will be sufficiently inspired to shut up, work hard, and get their life in gear so they can move out and buy a decent car.